Come and join us at the Big Man Gathering II

Men of all backgrounds are invited to attend this year’s Big Man Gathering II, a weekend of unique workshops and activities set amongst the tents, yurts, campfires and woodlands of the beautiful WoWo campsite in Sussex.

The event is created by some of the leading practitioners working with men in the UK today as part of the 3^rd National Conference for Men and Boys, so if you’re a man who is interested in personal growth and development then why not join us for a day or even spend the whole weekend with us at this year’s Big Man Gathering.

The event takes place on Saturday 28^th and Sunday 29^th September and you can book your tickets online now here.

Once you buy your ticket you have a choice of great workshops throughout the weekend from some great facilitators including:

• Kenny D’Kruz of Menspeak
• Max MacKay-James of Men Beyond 50
• Rob Fallon of Wild Nature
• Marc Broderic of Wisdom Walks
• Barry Fowler of The Men’s Network Suffolk
• Paul Howell of Clarity Coaching
• Sasha Mitrofanov of Become Authentic
• Rodney Browne of Spirituality and Men
• Glen Poole of the AllMen Project
• Tricia McLeod of the AllMen Project
• Nicola Dexter of Wisdom Walks
• Jakkie Talmage of MindBody Courses

For a full list of workshops see our post here.

To see the full programme for each day see the links below:

Saturday Programme

Sunday Programme

If you’d like to take part in this year’s Big Man Gathering then you secure you place by booking your ticket online now here.

If you wish to stay overnight low-cost accommodation can be booked through the campsite (new window).

We look forward to seeing you at the Big Man Gathering II. If you have any questions about coming to this event contact us today:

Michael van Rensburg           misterfixitsa@gmail.com            07733 360838

Dr Sasha Mitrofanov              sasha1504@gmail.com                01273 556159

Glen Poole                                  glen@glenpoole.com                     07981 334222

Workshops At The Big Man Gathering

A Men of all backgrounds are invited to attend this year’s Big Man Gathering II, a weekend of unique workshops and activities set amongst the tents, yurts, campfires and woodlands of the beautiful WoWo campsite in Sussex.

The event is created by some of the leading practitioners working with men in the UK today as part of the 3^rd National Conference for Men and Boys, so if you’re a man who is interested in personal growth and development then why not join us for a day or even spend the whole weekend with us at this year’s Big Man Gathering.

For details of the timetable of activities that take place on each day see:

• The Big Man Gathering (day one): Saturday 28th September
• The Big Man Gathering (day two) Sunday 29th September

There are a series of collective activities throughout the day and everyone who comes to the Big Man Gathering can also take part in two smaller workshops which are listed below:

SATURDAY MORNING WORKSHOPS ON THE THEME OF ‘EXPLORING THE MAN INSIDE’

Workshop One: Embrace The Joy Within – Loving The Man You’ve Become with Marc Broderic of Wisdom Walks

The first of two WisdomWalks^™, this group coaching experience will combine a walk in the woods with a conversation to free you from the constraints of the past and give you a joyful experience of being alive and being a man.

Workshop Two: Menspeak with Kenny D’Kruz

Men’s Group – hanging out and checking in with who and where we are right now

Workshop Three: Ultimate Emotional Resilience: Laughing in the Face of Adversity with Dr Sasha Mitrofanov of Become Authentic

You will discover how to be peaceful and happy in the midst of challenging life events without the need to suppress any unpleasant emotions. This workshop does NOT require one to be able to meditate, or to think positively, and provides a universal solution without the need for a specific religious or spiritual world view (even though it is congruent with what most spiritual traditions teach).

Workshop Four: Awaken The Inner King with Paul Howell of Clarity Coaching 

Exploring the 3 Kings (Archetypal, Political, Personal) in relation to personal life context and mission of service in the world.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON WORKSHOPS  ON THE THEME OF ‘REVEALING YOUR INNER STRENGTHS’

Workshop Five: Deeper into meditation with Rodney Browne

A deeper experience in meditation and a new perspective of consciousness, mind, self, life etc

Workshop Six: The wild man within – The Quest for fire! with Rob Fallon from Wild Nature

Ever wanted to now how to rub 2 sticks together to make fire – here is your chance! A master class lesson in the basics, and an experience of the skill and awareness of our ancestors.

Workshop Seven: Men Beyond 50 with Max Mackay-James and Kenny D’Kruz

Open to all who are curious and want to hang out together, share what is different and explore everything to do with the second half of life. It’s a gas

Workshop Eight: What’s on Top? A Meditative Experience with Barry Fowler

Guided silence, Standing or sitting in a circle. Physicality in Silence. Supported Share.

Workshop Nine: Live Beyond the Shadow of Survival with Mark Broderic

In this Shadow Work® Experience you will bring a part of the survival instinct out of the shadows and explore and understand the true essence of your shadow and finding the powerful, joyful expression within it.

SUNDAY MORNING WORKSHOPS ON THE THEME OF ‘MASCULINITY IN ACTION: MEN ON A MISSION’

Workshop Ten: Die-a-Log with Max Mackay-James

Light-hearted and serious talk to help break the taboo about death and dying

Workshop Eleven: Touching the Sacred Wild with Rob Fallon

A guided class taking you beyond the normal confines of perceived reality, in a safe fun environment. Experience the world through an expanded sense of awareness you may never have known existed.

Workshop Twelve: Instant Enlightenment: Tapping into Your Inner Peace with Dr Sasha Mitrofanov of Become Authentic

This workshop will provide with an effective self-care technique to manage any challenging emotions as they are happening – Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Fundamentals of EFT will be introduced in conjunction with a spiritual (non-denominational) paradigm aimed to provide a shortcut to reaching one’s Enlightenment without the need to spend decades of your life searching for it. This workshop does NOT require one to be able to meditate (even though ability to step back from one’s thinking will certainly be of benefit!), and builds on common-sense wisdom.

Workshop Thirteen: Living A Created Future – A Man With A Mission – Be The Man You Want To Be with Mark Broderic

The second of two WisdomWalks™, this group coaching experience will combine a walk in the woods with a conversation to explore and create your future and the kind of man you want to be…

SUNDAY AFTERNOON WORKSHOPS ON THE THEME OF  ‘CONNECTING WITH THE FEMININE: THE POWER OF UNION’ 

Workshop Fourteen: Learning From The Ancestors – Heal The Wounds And Claim The Gifts Of Your Lineage – Hypnosis with Mark Broderic and Nicola Dexter

In this Shadow Work® Experience you will bring a part of the survival instinct out of the shadows and explore and understand the true essence of your shadow and finding the powerful, joyful expression within it. Creating space where we look at the gifts from the ancestors. Looking at wounds and shame, carried for the ancestors. Getting access to the gifts of the ancestors, to bring that to future purpose and mission in life.

Workshop Fifteen: Relationship and Sexual Empowerment for men with Trisha McLeod 

Are you searching for a safe, friendly and supportive “men’s” group run BY a  woman FOR men aimed at discussing questions of a sexual nature around approaching and connecting with Women? Do you have questions around the themes of “sexuality, sensuality and intimacy with women”? Would it make a difference to you to recieve some practical help and guidance? Would you like to be part of a small men’s group network  centred around openness, honesty and respectfulness, that seeks to help, support and empower each other in these topics?” This will be a taster session that will enable us to look at some of these issues and to focus on how we take this work forward together .

Workshop Sixteen: Menspeak – Men’s Group with Kenny D’Kruz

A deeper sense of self, connection with other men, stimulation and awareness, a good laugh and tools to take away and use immediately. Tools to take a man from ‘Am I?’ to “I am”.

Workshop Seventeen: The Masculine Feminine Dance with Jakkie Talmage of MindBody Courses and Glen Poole of the AllMen Project

A workshop to explore the potential of the masculine and feminine powers in all of us.

To book your tickets for the Big Man Gathering today click here now

To find out more contact us today:

Michael van Rensburg           misterfixitsa@gmail.com            07733 360838

Dr Sasha Mitrofanov              sasha1504@gmail.com                01273 556159

Dr David Bloodwood              david@bloodwood.org                07776 001823

Glen Poole                                  glen@glenpoole.com                     07981 334222

Young dads have difficulties, that doesn’t make them deadbeats

There was great feature on Young Fathers by Yvonne Roberts in this weekend’s Observer newspaper.

Fatherhood is one of the key issues addressed and the National Conference for Men and Boys so if this topic is important to you then book your tickets for the conference online today here.

The feature highlights research that shows that children with involved fathers generally have fewer behavioural problems, greater emotional self-regulation, increased language development and improved cognitive skills. Evidence also shows that the more fathers are involved with their children when they are babies, the more likely their relationships with their children will be sustained over years, in spite of divorce or separation.

In the UK, the proportion of fathers who aren’t living with their child’s mother from birth is higher in Britain than in most other European countries. Though an often overlooked fact is the nearly half of these fathers attend the birth and are involved in some way at the beginning of their child’s life.

In terms of young fathers,  Roberts says, “if the relationship between father and mother is fragile, and the mother denies access, many teenage fathers lack the resources to fight for the right to be in their child’s life.”

Roberts highlights the work of the academics Charlie Lewis and Michael E Lamb, who since the 1970s “have challenged stereotypical and one-dimensional portrayals of fathers as “deadbeat dads” or “play partners” incapable of the serious business of rearing a child.”

According to Roberts, Professor Lamb argues that “good enough” fathers perform very similar roles to that of “good enough” mothers; they offer love, interest, boundaries and security.”

“For young fathers, however, the barriers to becoming a “good enough” dad are multiple and complex not least because, too often, their own needs aren’t addressed,” says Roberts.

“Many have little or no contact with midwives, health visitors, social workers or the staff of children’s centres. A study for the Department of Work and Pensions published last year describes ‘a cycle of disengagement’. ‘Low self-esteem leads to an inability to find appropriate support both because of a reluctance to seek [it] and a lack of available services. That leads to increased frustration and conflict with the mother’.”

Roberts quotes Chris Facey at the charity Working With Men who says:

“It’s very difficult for many of these young men. They have to sit through meetings with lawyers and social workers. Everyone has a negative perception of their abilities and they have to keep their cool. At risk is the real chance that if they show their frustration, even by an inch, their child may be put up for adoption. It happens. It takes maturity to handle a situation like that.”

Roberts also quotes the American author Mark S Kiselica who said in his book When Boys Become Parents: “For too long our culture has treated boys who become fathers… as detached misfits who are the architects of many of our nation’s problems, rather than seeing these youth for who they really are: young men trying to navigate a complex array of difficult life circumstances that place them at a tremendous disadvantage.”

You can read Yvonne Roberts’ full feature here: Too Young To Be A Dad 

To buy your tickets to the conference today please click here now. 

Related articles

• We need to get better at helping teen dads say charities (Helping Men)
• Young Fathers Graduate from Building Successful Families Class (prweb.com)
• Family matters to young fathers in prison | Caspar Walsh (guardian.co.uk)
• Young Dads TV
• Working With Men

The three ancient rules of masculinity

Psychologist Martin Seager is undertaking research on the ancient rules of masculinity in an attempt to put these rules into words. Martin, a pioneer of male psychology in the UK, is hosting a male psychology conference in 2014 and has been campaigning for several years for the British Psychological Society to approve a Male Psychology Section.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4 this week Martin said there are three ancient rules of masculinity which we’ve been which add up to a male script:

• Men should be fighters and winners
• Men should be protectors and providers
• Men should retain mastery and control

Seager says these are shame rules which means that when a man is unable to remain control or to provide or be a winner he may sit on those feelings which can make him more vulnerable to suicide for example.

Seager shared his masculinity rules during a  BBC Radio 4 Today Programme interview about male suicide.

Related articles

• Government failing to tackle male suicide (mensconferenceuk.wordpress.com)
• AUDIO: Male suicide: DoH ‘must remove blind eye’ (bbc.co.uk)

Government failing to tackle male suicide

The Department for Health is failing to target suicide prevention work at men say experts, according to a report on male suicide BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.

Jane Powell of the male suicide prevention charity CALM said:

“It’s cultural as much as anything else. We don’t really see men as needing help in anyway or as being vulnerable unless they’ve got some additional asset or qualification which means we should look at them as needing any further assistance.

“And that  runs through our entire society which says that failure and being weak is something that women’s do and being strong is what men do. And so when we look at the suicide prevention strategy where it says and mentions that men are at higher risk than women, it then goes on to look at what other factors like ethnicity, sexuality or anything else that bring that kind of added qualification as for why we should look at a particular group as needing anything.

“We equate manhood as being invulnerable so we can’t allocate resources in that area because they’re men. A man who is depressed is more likely to behave aggressively, to  self medicate, to have anger problems and to end up in prison than end up getting any kind of mental health help.”

The Psychologist Martin Seager, who was also interviewed on the programme said that we have to “remove the blind eye we’re turning to it  because in 104 out of 105 countries that  we have statistics for the male suicide rate is much higher so it isn’t purely a cultural thing it seems to be an embedded evolutionary mind and body issue for men.

Male suicide is one of the key topics covered at the third national conference for men and boys. To buy your tickets today click here now

Related articles

• AUDIO: Male suicide: DoH ‘must remove blind eye’ (bbc.co.uk)
• BBC unconvers high male suicide rate amongst soldiers (mensconferenceuk.wordpress.com)
• 3 Psychological Factors That Can Trigger Male Suicide (businessinsider.com)

Is violence against black men sexist as well as racist?

On Monday we published an opinion piece on violence against men and boys highlighting how our tolerance of violence against men puts black men and gay men at greater risk of racist and homophobic attacks.

We have subsequently come across an excellent article by  a writer called Noah Berlatsky which takes a deeper look at how misandry (hatred of men) was at play in the murder of the black teenager, Trayvon Martin. Here we highlight some of Berlatsky’s key points and  recommend you find time to read the full article linked at the bottom of this post.

According to Berlatsky, the Trayvon Martin case “justly, focused on race—on the ‘black’ part of ‘black men’.” But it’s worth considering how his killer’s  “anxiety, hostility, and eventually his violence were directed not only against Martin as a black person, but against him as a man—or, in this case, as a boy.”

“There’s every reason to believe that if Martin had been white, he wouldn’t have been pursued and shot, and that, if he were shot, his killer would not have gone free. But there’s also every reason to believe that Zimmerman would have reacted much differently to a woman, of whatever race, walking nearby,” he argues.

Berlatsky says that ‘misandry’ can be a useful concept. “In particular, I think it can help explain the experience of how men, and particularly men from minority communities, are targeted for violence—most often not by women, but by other men,” he says.

“Closer to home, in the U.S. men are more likely than women to be victims of assault, robbery, and homicide,” adds the writer. “Misandry helps to see these disparate incidents and statistics as related, as part of a system. Men, across cultures, are seen as dangerous and violent…..men, by their simple presence, are an excuse for violence. Because of misandry, violence against men is necessary and justified by the fact that men are men, which can help explain why men are more often the victims of homicide and assault.”

Berlatsky concludes by saying that: “Violence against black men is justified on the grounds that blackness and maleness are biologically dangerous categories that must be confronted with genocidal force. We need to re-think all those categories if we want to stop giving ourselves excuses to kill,” he says.

To see Berlatsky’s full article go and read Misandry and the Trayvon Martin Case at Splice Today

See also: Why is the G20 killing not violence against men?

 CLICK HERE TO BUY YOUR TICKETS TO THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE FOR MEN AND BOYS TODAY

Online abuse, is it a man thing or woman thing?

There’s been a lot of talk about online misogyny in the past week after Twitter made a public apology to women who have been subjected to rape threats. So is online abuse a gender problem? Is this another area of life where “women have problems and men are problems”? And if misogyny is a problem, what about online misandry?

We don’t pretend to have all the answers but you can rely on the National Conference for Men and Boys to always try and offer a broad range of perspectives—which is another good reason to buy your conference tickets online today.

In the meantime, here are some of the most interesting voices talking about online abuse from a gender perspective relevant to men and boys in the UK that we’ve heard so far:

It’s not misogyny it’s just plain bad manners

“What is problematic is that the organisers of Trolliday do not see this as a question of manners, but of misogyny – hate crime, in other words. The women-hating trolls do not show that society has a problem with misogyny……the most pleasant places to live are those where…..men in particular have an incentive to be viewed as gentlemen – a word sadly missing from this debate about the treatment of women.”

Ed West, The Spectator, Why do people write abuse on the internet?

This is a man-made problem and women are the victims

“This is a men-on-women issue. Guys are pretty much doing it to the girls. Which, thankfully, is where our good friend socialism steps forward. Because this will not stand for those of us who are socialists. We are all equal.”

John Niven, Daily Record, Trolls who abuse

It’s not a gender issue 

“I don’t think it’s a gender thing at all….I couldn’t say whether it happens more to women or to men but it’s quite clear that men and women will both abuse people online and be the recipients of that abuse.”

Professor Mark Griffiths, BBC, Why cyberbullies are targetting women

Women don’t troll

“There are very few female trolls because women are more virtuous than men….. women of any age will never hate men as much as teenage boys hate women.”

Jennifer Wright, The Gloss, Where are all the female internet trolls?

Women do abuse men online

“A female tweeter I didn’t follow…tweeted that I was a **** – an interesting word for a self-confessed feminist to use. I replied to the profanity….My words were immediately re-tweeted. For the next 24 hours I was subjected to abuse and threats of violence from many of this writer’s 70,000-odd followers….Despite a reporter’s thick skin, I’ll confess to a sleepless few nights. I’d never received such constant abuse and it certainly affected me emotionally.”

Niall Paterson, Sky News, What About Male Victims?

Women abuse other women

“Abuse also happens online by women against women. This includes  harassment, cyber-bullying, Gaslighting, mobbing, verbal abuse. It also happens within feminism. And yet…..feminism is deathly quiet on the issue. The anger & volume that we collectively use to denounce male violence is noticeably absent when it comes to women that abuse.”

Portia Smart, Feminist Blogger, We need to talk about women

People who live in glass houses….

“Caitlin Moran might well fall foul of a new, improved “report abuse” button. She’s been quite vociferous in her condemnation of the attacks on Caroline Criado-Perez, even proposing a 24-hour boycott of Twitter to protest about the site’s failure to deal with the abuse problem. She appears to have forgotten that, three years ago, she was pretty abusive towards me. Here are a couple of things she tweeted while I was debating Germaine Greer on BBC2’s Late Review:

“God, the reliability of Toby Young to be a total C*** could be used to power the atomic clock.”

“Oh, Germaine Greer. You’re still F***ING MAGNIFICENT. Please end this brilliant monologue by running a sword through Toby Young’s face.”

Toby Young, Daily Telegraph, Most twitter trolls are harmless attention seekers

Most trolls are boys (and so are most victims)

“I was really surprised to find the level of boys admitting that they got involved in cyber bullying and the number of boys who have been victim of cyber bullying. Sixteen percent of males said someone had sent them a threatening message online, compared with 7 percent of females. And 11 percent of males said that they had sent threatening messages online.”

Sarah Pedersen, Huffington Post, Cyber-bullying, are boys worse than girls

I’m a man and I love to troll 

“I come from a cohort and culture of males in which a cheap jibe or insulting comment is part of everyday interaction, held under the banner of ‘crack’ and ‘banter’. I am not condoning abuse of any sort, I realise that it occurs amongst peers causing a great degree of harm. In combating fascism we tread the fine lines of freedom of expression, but we must be sure in distinguishing the difference between what is actually offensive and what is an impulsive comment towards people enjoying their 15 minutes of fame.”

Daniel Swanson, TEDx Salford, What to do about trolling

Kill All Men? Ignore it, it’ll go away

“It can be very tempting, when one’s human sub-group is challenged, to respond in kind…..we tend to react strongly when our “team” is called out. That’s why the recent Twitter trend of appending the #killallmen hashtag to various female grievance-oriented posts is such a frustrating phenomenon: It’s a direct provocation, and something of a mass movement, but it’s also too crazy to pay much attention to.”

Michael McKenna, Ask Men. Why #KillAllMen is a thing that exists

Autistic men need better protection from online bullies

“Because of my autism I can’t do social things like go to the pub or go to nightclubs. Ninety per cent of my life is spent online. The entire social aspect of my life is online. But every time I go online I get abuse. Current laws against cyberbullying just don’t work at all. They haven’t worked for me.”

Kevin Healy, Autism Campaign speaking to BBC,  Why cyberbullies are targetting women

Men get bullied by girls

“There’s something about a bully that really annoys me. They’ll say something online that they’d never dare to say to your face.”

Comedian and self-professed “troll slayer” Dom Joly who discovered that one of those who’d threatened him was a 14-year-old girl with nine different online identities. BBC: Trolling who does it and why?

There’s more misandry  than misogyny 

“There is ten times more misandry expessed in the west than there is misogyny, but people have been trained not to notice this…..Blocking men’s voices on the grounds of ‘misogyny’ is common on internet forums, websites and social media such as Facebook – even when these voices are clearly not misogynistic at all. The upshot is that misogyny is going to continue to increase until men get a fairer deal and until they can express their views without being continually blocked by the overly politically-corrected and feminist-dominated. Of course, those rape threats were, in my view, completely unacceptable. But I can assure you that men have been on the receiving end of similar threats ever since the internet became a place where men and women have been in verbal conflict.”

Angry Harry, Blogger, commenting on Why do people write abuse on the internet?

When it’s a male victim we ignore the gender

“Women’s groups have been very adept at ‘genderising’ any and all problems that affect females, and are able to exploit the media’s obsession with women-specific issues. As the current Twitter abuse issue shows, they have asserted that it is almost always women that receive these kinds of comments. On the other hand, abuse aimed at men is assumed to be non-gendered, receives no attention, and is usually considered fair game. Complain, and you’ll never be far from a ‘man up’ style dismissal. As is so often the case, there are double standards in play here.”

Tim Reed, commenting on Why do people write abuse on the internet?

Online abuse is not limited by gender

“If you cast a wide enough net you soon discover that online abuse is not limited by gender. If we want to live in a less sexist society it does mean finding ways to tackle misogyny. It also means taking time to understand and address the experience of male victims of violence and abuse too.”

Glen Poole, National Conference for Men and Boys, writing in The Guardian Comment Is Free section

Click here no to buy your conference tickets online today.

Why is the G20 Killing not Violence Against Men?

Glen Poole of the National Conference for Men and Boys organising committee offers a personal opinion on our collective tolerance of violence against men and boys.

This week, the Metropolitan Police Service has apologised “unreservedly” for the “excessive and unlawful force” that killed a man at the G20 protests in London in 2009.

Ian Tomlinson, a 47-year-old newspaper seller, was caught up in the demonstrations in the City of London as he walked home in April 2009. He was attacked with a baton from behind by Police Constable Simon Harwood, collapsed minutes later and died of internal bleeding.

Harwood was found not guilty of manslaughter but was later sacked by the Met Police for gross misconduct.

An inquest jury found Ian Tomlinson was the victim of an unlawful killing, but what nobody seems to be saying is that Mr Tomlinson was also the victim of violence against men and boys.

Every year, all over the world, men and boys are four times more likely to die a violent death. According to the World Health Organisation, men and boys account for 81% of the people who die violently each year. In total nearly half a million (455,000) men are boys are killed violently every year at a rate of one man dying of violence every minute of every day.

We are, it seems, more tolerant of violence against men—that’s all of us, men and women, together we have a greater collective tolerance of violence against men.

For every woman who is killed violently, four men are killed and there are no global campaigns to end violence against men and boys, yet there are global UN-sponsored campaigns to end violence against women and girls.

Women account for 19% of violent deaths and the international community has decided we need a global campaign to end violence against women and girls, but no campaign to help men and boys—and this is symptomatic of the fact that all over the world men and women are more tolerant of violence against men.

Can we say without doubt that the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson was because he was a man?

Tomlinson was a separated father who had struggled with alcoholism and was living in a homeless shelter. He was working casually selling the Evening Standard newspaper and got caught up in the G20 riots while trying to take his normal route home from work—by all accounts he just wanted to get back to his homeless shelter and his way home was blocked by police—and as the film footage clearly shows, one of them attacked him from behind.

Did this happen because he was a man?

As a man we can certainly say he was at far more likely to be separated from his children, have alcohol problems and be homeless—as a man we can also say he was far more likely to be the victim of violence on the street and it seems reasonable to speculate that if the police had attacked and killed a female passer-by that day, that our reaction would have been different because we are collectively more tolerant of violence against men and boys.

I saw this collective tolerance in action whilst watching a video of an anti-fracking protest in a nearby village in Sussex this week. Men and women joined arms to form a barricade put the police broke it up by inflicting pain on two of the protestors—it was a level of pain that would  no doubt be deemed as “reasonable force”, but it is notable that the pain wasn’t inflicted on two women, or even a man or woman, but on two men.

Why as men, if we go on a demonstration, are we more likely to have pain inflicted on us than any women we go with? Why as men are we more likely to be hit by a baton and die? Why as men are we more likely to be killed in the street by a stranger? Why as men are we four times more likely to die a violent death.

Is it simply because of our gender? Did being a man make Ian Tomlinson more likely to be killed when he got mixed up in the G20 protests. Is it because we tolerate violence against men more than we tolerate violence against women?

We certainly seem to tolerate men’s disposability more—whether it’s male soldiers dying in combat, male suicide, men dying at work, men like Ian Tomlinson being separated from his children, becoming homeless, becoming alcoholic, being killed by the police.

Readers in the UK and USA will be familiar with the names of Stephen Lawrence and Trayvon Martin—young black teenagers killed probably because they were black and definitely because they were men.

The Equalities and Human Rights Commission in the UK tells us that black men are twice as likely as black women to be the victims of race hate crimes and gay men are twice as likely to be the victims of homophobic hate crimes. Because they are men—because we are more tolerant of violence against men —gay men and black men are at greater risk of violence than their female counterparts.

I grew up not in the Seventies and Eighties when it was deemed acceptable for male and female teachers—even the terrifying dinner ladies who paraded the playgrounds—to physically assault children. Though in reality it was the boys who took the bulk of the physical punishment. The last assault I was on the receiving end of personally was from a male teacher in 1985 — he grabbed me by the hair and shook me shortly before I took one of my O Levels—not the best preparation for an exam!

I often saw boys pulled about by the hair by adults in school—but never girls—because we are more tolerant of violence against men and boys.

Why when the Home Office tells us that six out of 10 people killed by someone they know and nine out of 10 people killed by a stranger are men and boys do we have a national strategy to end violence against women and girls, but no strategy to help men and boys?

Who is looking out for the boys around the world who are beaten and bullied at school, the men and boys sent to war, the men and boys subjected to rape and sexual abuse and domestic violence who find it far harder than their female equivalents to access help and support?

Why on earth is there no law to stop people cutting off parts of a boy’s genitals without an anaesthetic for no medical reason, when there are laws to prevent lesser procedures on girls (like piercing or nicking). When it happens to girls we call it violence against women and girls. When we hear that a baby boy bleeds to death from the end of his penis in the UK in the 21^st Century there not a single MP prepared to stand up in parliament and say this must end—and no-one dares to call it violence against men and boys.

So where are the feminists who claim to be fighting for gender equality in all of this? If women were four times more likely to die a violent death than men it would be a gender equality matter—so why not when it’s men?

Maybe that isn’t feminism’s job. If not, then where are the men’s rights activists? Why haven’t they created a global campaign to help the men and boys of the world be free from violence and abuse?

Part of the challenge is that to acknowledge our collective tolerance of violence against men and boys, men’s rights’ activists would also have to acknowledge that the majority of (not all) violence against men is perpetrated by men—they couldn’t credibly blame feminism or women for the majority of violence against men and boys—though some would try.

And because of this—because of the tendency of men’s rights advocates to see the world through the filter “men have problems and women and feminism are the problem”—focussing on stopping all violence against men and boys detracts from highlighting cases where men are victims of women’s bad behaviour.

As a result, it is currently pro-feminists who seem to be more likely to highlight the issue—or at least part of the issue of our collective tolerance of violence against men and boys. There is a growing “patriarchy hurts men too” narrative evolving that is mostly pro-feminist and is shifting the narrative on violence from “women have problems, men are problems” to “women and some men have problems and it’s men and patriarchy who are the problem”.

What pro-feminists struggle with is acknowledging that men are far more likely to be victims of violence than women —because this takes focus away from female victims— and they also struggle to acknowledge the violence that women do to men and boys—the mothers who beat and abuse their children, the women who beat their partners and husbands, the women involved in elder abuse.

And so between them, between the men’s rights activists and the feminists who all proclaim to be for “true equality”—no group is standing up to end our collective tolerance of violence against men and boys.

Only when we take a gender inclusive approach that acknowledges men and women as both perpetrators and victims will we ever create a world free from violence and abuse for everyone.

Men are four times more likely to die a violent death than women. The Met Police didn’t kill a genderless passer-by in 2009, they killed a man—our collective tolerance of violence against men and boys makes it more likely that there will be more deaths like his in future.

IF YOU HAVE EXPERTISE IN REDUCING VIOLENCE THEN COME AND JOIN US AT THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE FOR MEN AND BOYS. BUY YOUR TICKET HERE NOW.

Give dads better rights says centre-left think tank

Fathers need to be given greater parental leave rights if we are to tackle fundamental inequalities between men and women according to a new report on parenting by the centre-left think tank, IPPR.

The news comes as the Lib Dems prepare to reveal plans to increase men’s parental leave entitlement from two weeks to four weeks.

At the tail end of the 20th Century mothers and fathers had very little access to parental leave. This has changed dramatically in the past decade.

In 2006  New Labour introduced a parental leave system that was described by  Duncan Fisher, a former commissioner with the  Equal Opportunities Commission as  “one of the most unequal parenting leave entitlement regimes in the world”.

In 2011, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg promised to reform this system saying the laws on parental leave marginalise dads and deny them the chance to play a hands-on role.

While the Coalition government has made reforms to the system it still  discriminates against fathers. According to Ben Moxham at the TUC “the incentives in place for fathers are so poor that even the government estimates that only 2 to 8 per cent of dads are likely to take this leave”.

The Lib Dems now say that: “We believe men and women have equal rights when it comes to working and raising children.”

This is a somewhat meaningless statement as mums and dads don’t have equal rights and the Lib Dems proposal to increase paternity leave from two weeks to four weeks falls way short of equality.

According to the IPPR, a progressive system “would not only provide the mother with a leave entitlement sufficient to protect her health and that of her baby, but would also support a similar paid entitlement for fathers. A third bloc of shared parental leave, also paid, could be split by parents in a way that works best for them and their family.”

The Icelandic system is held up as an example to aspire to, where from 2016 parents will be given five months of maternity leave, five months of paternity leave and two months of parental leave for parents to use as they see fit

“This is a far cry from the UK’s current parental leave provision: a year-long maternity leave (paid at a relatively low rate), two weeks of paid paternity leave, and a period of transferrable leave (up to six months, which can be transferred fromthe mother to the father),” says the IPPR.

“Allowing the mother to transfer leave to the father in this way reflects strong assumptions about maternal and paternal needs and responsibilities. It also means that fathers don’t have their own entitlement to paternity leave – they are dependent on the eligibility of their partner.”

Last week, the TUC general secretary Frances O’Grady said dads needs better paternity pay, saying:

“Unless the government raises statutory paternity pay, which is set too low, many dads simply won’t be able to afford time off work. In countries where paternity pay is higher, fathers play a greater role in their kids’ early lives.”

However, opposition to giving dads better rights is strong. According to Duncan Fisher:

“A business lobby, keen to ensure men do not bow to domestic responsibilities as women have to, and the maternal lobby, keen for mothers to remain in charge in the home, combined forces in an unholy alliance, and this Government, like its predecessors, was no match for the pincer movement from both sides.”

And yet parental leave is one area where the men’s and women’s lobbies could be working together as greater equality for dads at home means greater equality for women at work. As the IPPR puts it:

“Unless fathers are given greater rights to paid parental leave, more fundamental inequalities will persist.”

TO DEBATE TOPICS LIKE THESE JOIN US AT THE 3RD NATIONAL CONFERENCE FOR MEN AND BOYS. BUY YOUR TICKET HERE NOW.

Sexually explicit novel about female sex offender divides critics

A controversial new American novel about a paedophile teacher who preys on prepubescent boys has divided critics, been shortlisted for an award and banned from some bookstores.

Described as a modern day Lolita, the book Tampa by author and professor Alissa Nutting exposes our double standards towards female perpetrators and  male victims.

Nutting told Lifestyle Mirror: “Our culture isn’t accustomed to viewing males (even underage teen ones) as the sexual victims of women, and I find that very problematic.”

The novel centres on Celeste Price, a 26-year-old sexual predator and high school teacher who abuses a 14-year-old boy. Nutting was inspired to write the book after a woman she went to school with was exposed as a female paedophile.

According to Daily Life in Australia, Nutting began to keep an eye out for the stories of female predators that kept cropping up and started to notice discrepancies in the way they were reported saying:

“I was really interested by the disparate reaction when the offender is a woman and when the offender is a male. I wanted to write a book that drew attention to the ways that we seem to give female sexual predators a pass. We live in a society that has a really hard time seeing women as being able to sexually victimise men at all. There’s this widespread view that men always want sex so there’s no way they can be sexually victimised. And also we tend to look upon the offenders with our very adult gaze and judge their behaviour that way when it’s women. I think a lot of times heterosexual adult men will look at the women and think, ‘Well, I’d want to sleep with her – where’s the crime?’ in a way that we don’t when it’s a male offender with a 14-year-old girl.”

Despite the controversy around the book, Nutting says that she’s received many messages from male victims who have thanked her for telling their story and spoken of the negative impact the abuse has had on their lives.

According to an interview with Jezebel, Nutting says:

“I want to draw attention to the ways we view predatory female sexual behavior, and to the limitations of sexual discussion in our culture.”

She says  one of the reasons that we don’t view female sex offenders in the same way as male sex offenders is because sex is often  “packaged as something for men to enjoy”.

“ There’s a sense of, ‘adult men would want to have sex with this woman, so she’s incapable of committing a sexual crime.’ This perpetuates the harmful patriarchal stereotype that female sexuality can’t be violent—that it’s simply there for male use with no agency of its own, that it doesn’t hold power,” she told Jezebel

“Once caught, the main character Celeste is ultimately treated very differently than I think a male offender would be. For readers I think the reversal is somewhat of a challenge, because there are conflicting messages about how to respond to female sexual predators in our society. This is something the book engages: do we condemn her? Idolize her? Become aroused by her? And what cultural messages inform our reaction?”

The book has been compared by some with Fifty Shades Of Grey, a comparison Nutting dismisses:

“Tampa is sexually explicit, so I understand a dialogue surrounding the two of them. But I think the fact that Tampa is about an illegal predatory relationship, with an abuser and a victim, instead of about two consenting adults, negates any sort of direct parallel.

“I’m interested in the ways that these cases are often portrayed in the media. When it’s a female teacher and an underage male student, there’s often a discussion surrounding the case that implies it’s a victimless crime. I’m also interested in the ways that, for women, our culture tends to prioritize beauty and maintaining a youthful appearance above all else.

So what have critics made of the book? Well, Publishers Weekly says, “Nutting’s work creates a solid impression of Celeste’s psychopathic nature but, unlike the much richer Lolita, leaves the reader feeling empty”, while Entertainment Weekly says “the writing is often excellent, hilariously dark, and mean”.

The issue of male victims of rape and sexual abuse is a topic covered at the National Conference for Men and Boys. You can buy your tickets online today.